my silly little pensées
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these past couple months have been a fucking rollercoaster lmfao. starting my undergrad degree trying my best at school while it feels like things keep falling apart. i've recently been dumped by my gf of four years, my (very young) cat has been diagnosed with epilepsy in the past couple days so we're still learning to adjust her medication as needed, my grades are slipping and i find my school workload incredibly hard, and just a lot of very small things haven't been going super smooth. BUT WE BALL. i'm currently on the little bit of study break for exam prep and i'm sort of trying, really just trying to survive this semester.
the good news is that i've gone out with friends, i'm not having too hard a time talking to new people, and unfortunately despite my struggling scores i do really like my program. all about resiliene. i can't wait for winter break. below are pics of an L poster my school was selling at a poster week and a cool thrift store my friend took us to :3 so all i need to do is survive the next couple weeks.
overall the past week has been pretty hectic but alright. i've gone out with friends a ton, tried to pick up my creative hobbies, went on a couple walks, and even tried to go to a shakespeare in the park play that unfortunately got rained out (we'll try again next time). i haven't read a whole lot which i'm not sure how to feel but i'm trying to make a lot of progress in my next crochet tapestry so that's fun, and i've written a lot for some fanfics. they're not super serious, but i just have so much fun sincerely in the process that i'm fine getting messy, starting multiple wips at once with it. another thing i've been thinking about is the desire to draw just for shits and giggles, but i'm someone who literally hasn't drawn seriously since middle school and i wasn't even that good then so i'm not sure how i can keep up the desire to keep practicing and having fun with it. whatever i'll think about it.
one super fun thing that's happened recently is i got together with friends and watched both dune movies. now. i've never seen nor read any of the dunes prior to this watch party experience so i was asking quetions the whole time. but. i liked it a lot more than i thought i would. and it might ruin my huge summer tbr because i actually really want to read the books now. i genuinely loved it. so i'm ordering the book used online (tried to search for it in multiple second hand shops irl with no luck) and i might read it if i'm feeling silly. teehee.
this is just a more casual entry, today i woke up super late and went to the mall with my girlfriend. we just frolicked around, i got two CDs and some stickers to decorate my grad cap and some jewelry, mostly because i had a ton of gift cards for this mall and felt comfortable spending them (i hadn't gone to the mall in forever). i brought my small old fujifilm camera because i do have a tiny resolution to take more photos this summer to maybe document the mundane on here, so i did that
it's been storming a whole lot lately, it even woke me up at like four in the morning because my window was open and the wind was making my blinds go apeshit. i've made up my summer tbr and making arrangements to borrow things from the library, hopefully planning to actually do things i enjoy that require a little bit of mental effort instead of rotting this summer, but i won't put too much pressure on myself.
woahhhhhhhhhh long time no see, huh? worry not, i have absolutely no plans to abandon this site, i'm still in love with it and have plenty of little ideas of fun stuff i wanna include for my own happiness. this school year has been buck wild for me, but now i'm graduating!! i finished my last exam today and now get to truly kick back and relax. i hope to work on this site more as a personal goal because like i said ive got ideas a-brewin. i wanna make more use of this one digital camera i've had for years, i wanna hold myself accountable when learning french and latin (yes, i got like really obsessed with learning latin a few months ago, i've always known french as a second language tho) so i wanna make a little page for it with all my exercises/resource/progress, i've got more stamps and buttons and blingys i wanna add to my collection, ive got more cds i wanna update, and i also plan to read a lot this summer so i'll update all of that as well.
here's a pic of my prom table lol. the night was honestly so much fun, i couldn't have hoped for a better time and everyone looked SO pretty.
my re4 obsession is still fucking rampant. i played the game once and now im really really trying to see if i can learn how to speedrun it simply because i am delusional and really really want all the accessories. right now i'm working on getting an s+ rank on assisted for the wolf tail, hopefully moving from getting s+ on assisted to standard to hardcore to professional (CAT EARS. I WANT LEON KENNEDY IN CAT EARS. PLZ IT'S SO FUNNY). i plan on finishing the original this summer (because it's literally not my copy lmao and i don't wanna disrespect the cousin who lent it to me last summer) but i simply love it too much so it's gonna hurt. also i ordered a photocard commission from an account called crispalline on instagram who makes super cute shit (will DEFINITELY) update when it arrives.
i'm still very much in love with crochet, i'm currently working on two tapestries, one of them being the cover of the album october rust for a bestie and another being a tapestry of like a greek bust for myself for funsies. the ocober rust one has like five fucking colours so it's pretty ambiguous so on the side when i don't feel like working like that but want to crochet i'm doing the one for myself with just two colours. funny enough i'm still a little too scared to tackle making crochet clothes but whatever. it'll happen eventually i guess. all my friends think i'm such a granny but yknow. i'm very okay with that.
overall things are good and calming down, i can't wait to hopefully spend time on things i'm passionate about :3
OH MY GOD OKAY SO. I LEARNED TO CROCHET AND YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT I MADE WITH IT AFTER LEARNING LIKE THREE BASIC STITCHES??
my friend and I call him Miguel Gatito. i impulsively bought his pattern online before even knowing how to crochet, only knowing that i have crochet hooks and the required felt around the house. i bought the pattern, bought the yarn, and went absolutely HAM one weekend. i finished him in like three days and my left wrist hurt for the week after. i've brought him to school with me for a few days and all my friends are in love with him. i have three people paying me to make them one. He's not perfect and definitely a little funny-looking but for a first-ever try at crocheting i think he's better than i had any right expecting. he's just a litol guy :]
as for general life updates: i received the remastered re4 for my birthday and omg leon is FINEEEE in 4k. i played a few hours on the remaster but ive been too busy to touch it the past few weeks and i really do need to finish the remaster (i'm at the boss fight with krauser and kinda procrastinating bc i have like No supplies). i also dressed up as leon for halloween. i am such a dweeb but it's so much fun so idc. grades are strugglin a little this year and i applied for university so we'll see how that fuckin goes. but overall apart from that life is really quite good. ciao.
i've been wanting to play resident evil 4 for a while now and so i've been lurking on second hand websites for either a copy of the ps4 remaster (bc i hear absolutely GLOWING reviews abt it) or a copy of the original for ps2 bc i'm fortunate enough to have both those consoles. i found this one seller for the remaster for $10, an absolute steal but they never coordinated a pickup time and a few days after they ghosted i check to see that their offer (that included other ps4 games that were going at $10 each) was completely taken down so 🙃. lucky for me the stars aligned and i talked to my older cousin and mentioned it and he offered to lend me his ps2 copy for as long as i want as well as the first Metal Gear Solid!! i'm acc so grateful that was so awesome and kind of him. so i'm hyped as frick and get playing and dude i'm having so much fun. omg. the merchant is my RIDE or DIE i love him whenever i check the map and see that he's in an upcoming location i feel Safe and Secure it's like a warm blanky and a hot chocolate. the first village encouter absolutely threw me for a loop tho if i hadnt replayed it a second time even after beating it i totally wouldve missed the shotgun (the shotgun is my absolute fav gun atm but i do use it sparingly) ALSO i encountered the chainsaw mf by the gate and it scared the absolute dogpiss out of me i was screaming in my basement when i heard that shit revving up to slice my head clean off.
i'm really grateful that i'm playing the original bc i honestly think if i waited and asked for the remaster as a bday gift (depending on how much i love this game i still might...) it would be borderline unplayable for me bc of how nauseated new games make me. i'm not an adult who's had video games in their lives since forever, i'm a teen who plays casually and bc of that i Really feel like i need to catch up on The Classics so i'm playing older games like twilight princess or the last of us or portal and while i've genuinely picked up video games again for the first time since childhood lego games i've noticed that oh god my tummy feels bad if i play for too long. i'm turning into my mother (i say affectionately, but i would still rather i inherit a more enjoyable trait). and after experimenting with games that have come out in different times i've learnt that newer games make me dizzier way faster! idk what it is with the graphics or control sensitivity or whatever wizardry but dude i last 2.5 hours Max in the last of us (i know it's not a new game but i'm not exactly playing recent hits rn) before i need to emerge from the basement as a clammy nauseated mess. original resident evil 4? i have yet to hit a limit. i feel like a little kid again!
somewhat related but i now have insatiable crush on the fictional little leon scott kennedy. even in his 2005 graphics it's so bad. but the thing is like he's also SO american it hurts. like i'm here to save the president's daughter are you joking. most american media i've consumed all year. it's insanely funny to me. this is definitely one of my lowest points i can't believe i have a crush on an over-glorified cop i dont like cops like that's why i can't in good conscience save pics of re2 leon on pinterest bc like he's in the cop uniform i just can't do it i can't change who i am for a man like this it's not good for feminism!!!
everyone i know must be sick of me i cant stfu abt this game
haiiii exams seasons are upon me and i'm studying so darn much, but while my partner n i went to study at a nearby library, we checked their second hand book sale and after Months of searching for it second hand i scored tHIS FREAKING GEM
the best $2 i've ever spent
i'm most worried about my math exam, i'm feeling better about physics bc i've been busting my ass the past few days working on all of it, so that's pretty cool. ALSO AMAZING NEWS: i got accepted into an orchestra i tried out for!!! i'm so happy <3333 i can't wait to play in an orchestra, one thing i'm worried about is that i'll have to drop guitar lessons to properly juggle everything in life which is such a shame bc i really wanted to pursue guitar :/// Speaking of which i went to a relative's end of year guitar recital and the older players were SO DAMN COOL this dude fucking demolished a van halen song bro my jaw dropped i Wish i could play like that so it's sorta sad i'll have to put that interest on the backburner for the time being. i cannot BELIEVE i don't have an inifinite number of hours in the day to dedicate to my various amateur hobbies.
with toothless being the wee fella watching over my playlist and also now a stuffie on my bed, i think it's safe to assume with my page that i at least have a slight interest in how to train your dragon, and i've been especially thinking about it recently. i had seen the how to train your dragon prior to becoming obsessed with it and remembered liking it but when i was around 10 or 11 i rewatched it and i fell completely, totally, and utterly in love. i would rewatch it obsessively on netflix when they had it or on my family's dvd blue-ray copy, i'd have lines and scenes down by heart just because i saw it so much, i even hit a point where i had a fascination with drawing toothless however my clumsy 11 year old hands could manage. i related to hiccup in a way i never really had before with a fictional character. at school i had a rocky start and felt quite isolated from my peers, and the unfortunate real life consequence of isolated kids is they lash out and they can be huge dicks to anyone who may even wanna try to befriend them and so my solitude was somewhat cemented year by year. by the time i found how to train your dragon, i sort of hit an age where i was starting to think about that and how i treated people and while i wholeheartedly maintain that so much of it was wrong and hold much remorse over it, it was also the point where i realized how much i'd been hurt. i felt other'd as thoroughly as hiccup was and i wanted nothing more than to escape from these peers and to see someone like me find such genuine kinship gave me such hope for my own future. but it also made me sad because it made me recognize these feelings inside me. even listening to the (amazing) soundtrack today gives me some heartache because i'm so thoroughly reminded of how alone i felt as a kid. there was nothing i longed for deeper than to have a friendship as meaningful as theirs in my life, and at the same time it provided an excellent escape. i understood why it wouldnt work in a movie, but when i was about 13 and still loving the movie that melancholy had set it harder and i wished i could see an ending where hiccup and toothless truly did run away after hiccup was told he'd have to kill a dragon. i wished i could see them escape and forge a new life together how i truly longed to run away from what i had been handed. it's not like i had bad teachers, i had really good ones, actually. and people didn't bully me i had a best friend but people would mostly stay out of our way until things got complicated in later grades and even my best friend had drifted in an odd way i still can't quite explain. i saw a little boy and a dragon who are both different from their peers and isolated for it and i saw them find each other and have each other no matter what and i wanted that so bad it genuinely makes me so emotional thinking back on it. i listen to test drive recalling the scenes in my head and relishing in the triumphant and beautiful score and to this day i feel such love for the friendship these characters got to have while also harbouring such deep sadness that i didn't have that security, that i wanted it so so bad. i love this movie wholeheartedly it's just bittersweet because i love it for the soothing it's brought to such heartache. like i said it made me sad because it made me recognize these feelings inside me. i dont know if i wouldve loved the movie so much if it didnt provide the escape i so desperately clung to, but i am here today still loving it despite having an amazing school environment with incredible friends and nice peers.
huh while i was practicing my music i remembered the fic i was working on but haven't touched in a few months oh goodness. anyways i just came back from a school trip and spent my weekend catching up on work but tbh i think i'm doing pretty good. while i was there i also dropped a hefty chunk of savings on a build a bear!! i'd never been to one before and there aren't many near i live at all so i felt this would be special!
behold.
my son.
we are best friends now. i wanna knit him a little outfit anyways i had a very lovely time!! i just popped in to throw my new pal toothless in here.
hmmmmmmmmmmmm i am feeling melancholy. according to instagram it's been 10 weeks since i texted someone who i once considered to be a very very very close friend. it's been at least a month since i made the conscious decision to let this friendship die, but the feelings come in waves. i miss them endlessly but not once have i earnestly felt that this is worth saving. in turn i have made a sad playlist, which isn't something i'm usually prone to do but ¯\_ (ಥ,_｣ಥ)_/¯ i must say the song choices are exquisite. i've known this person and have been close with them since childhood, but this friendship had been dying for over a year by the time i decided to actually face that fact and purposefully distance myself. i think what hurts the most is the ghost of them i find all over my room, my house, my memories and little ways i go about my life. i can't think of childhood without thinking of them, i can't wince at that little extra leftover pain right after too-hot-water hits your hand because i'm instantly reminded of the one time i shared that mundane detail with them, there's music i can't listen to without thinking of them, there's specific breakfast foods or cereals or ways the light hits my window or locations i don't experience without their memory clinging to me like dust motes in the air. somewhere in my family's hard drive by the pc there exist ample little pixelated pictures of us on our various shenanigans throughout the years, from when we're missing front teeth or when they still had the inexplicable red splotch on their cheek that simply faded with time, forever immortalized. i think it was their cheek but it's been so long. i miss her parents and i still see them taking walks around the neighbourhood. i hope their mother's well. i miss their little brother. i haven't seen him in forever. i cannot say i did not try to salvage this yet the fact remains: i miss my friend.
i saw it. i saw phantom of the opera on broadway and it went Ridonkulously Hard. it was so silly and melodramatic and fun and i loved it and bought myself a sweater that glows in the dark bc money isnt real and bc im incredibly lucky enough to be able to afford such frivolities. it was so much fun i have the little playbill hanging on my bedroom wall now. i dont have much else to say im just really trying to immortalize it in my memory bc its a once in a lifetime experience for me and it felt so special i had such a good time. yeah <33 i just really wanna remember this as much as possible. i found the part of stranger than you dreamt it really funny bc the phantom kinda crawled/dragged himself across the floor to christine in his wallowing, the costumes were so fun and i was freaking enthralled by the phantom's masquerade costume, from where i was sitting i couldnt see the chandelier fully rise completely but i could see most of it and it was so fun to watch, christines dresses were all amazing and her part of wishing you were somehow here again honestly made me shed a couple tears, in the cemetary when the phantom and raoul were kinda going at it the was some sort of explosion from the phantoms staff (?? walking stick ??? this isnt a dick joke) which was awesome, and the phantom belting emotionally about his one sided breakup on the rising statue of apollo at the all i ask of you reprise when we Couldnt See Him was hilarious, carlotta slayed, mme giry slayed and i loved seeing the respect she commanded, i Loved the corny guitar and powerful organ, i liked the huge phantom shadows casted on the wall while the ballet in il muto was going on to show him preparing the murder and scaring everyone, the huge fire sparking while escaping post-point of no return (i think) was amazing... and thats all i remember for now. i wish i could remember all of it in excruciating detail but honestly i really cant its mostly a big 3 hour haze of Having Fun. also i freaking loved the perfomer for the phantom talking at the end right after the big bow and applause bc he was still in costume right so I just watched this guy swoosh around a stage for three hours committing murder bc he got dumped and then that same guy comes out after the production still in costume but like,,, as a well adjusted adult it was amazing
yalllllllllllllllllll. yall. im gonna see phantom of the opera on march break. oh my goodness. im so excited im not a huge fan but i really like it and its so cool to see it before it closes for good like,, im emo. ofc its my jam. the tickets are So ridonculously expensive so its me n my sibling being dropped off and picked up ALSO semester 2 has me on my toes Constantly. omg. i just did a few quizzes and tbh im a bit worried like im so proud of my recent grades bc report cards and i Know i shouldnt be worried bc weve just started but yknow i have high standards for grades!! i wanna do good!!! genuinely tho i notice a lot of like online study spaces are so superficial and don't actually really focus on the marks more the Idea or Visual of getting good marks which is kinda interesting. anyways. i wanna polish my boots this weekend and i gotta sew up the hole in my backpack, so thats cute, and i finally get a break so i can continue playing loz twilight princess (im so so excited for tears of the kingdom). yerp thats kinda it. ciao.
HA P!ATD "BROKE UP" what a lovely day anyhoozle i just took an English exam that went Alright??? twas fine. like i said, whatever happens happens and it did indeed happen. one down, two to go! just wanted to put this here bc panic at the disco Breaking Up is so funny to me <33, rip bozo you were good when you were an actual band and for that i will forever cherish the old image of panic that was in my heart as a middle schooler. also i've been getting SUPER into from under the cork tree and infinity on high lately so hi fob glad youre back :] i was and probably always will be a my chem girlie when i was Rlly into the emo scene and fob kinda got pushed to the side for me i never really got into them on the scale i loved panic and Never on the scale i loved (and still do love) mcr, but like bro,,, i did not appreciate them enough and im glad i can go back to them now bc it just slaps
HI!!! oof it's been forever, last i've updated this site was like early december. yummy. anyways i have a few fun little things working and it's nice to have a wee bit of free time before exams hit real hard next week. after that im gonna hang out with friends and watch movies with them and hopefully have a good time. ive submitted most school final projects (incuding my compsci one which im pretty proud of ngl) and whatever happens happens yknow, best i can do now is study for exams and im trying at that too. this is probably gonna look kinda ugly and unorganized for a Long time but it's fun i like messing around with it. maybe i'd try to make some sort of shrine page???? idk. ~endless possibilities~